Navigating Parenting Guilt: A Guide for Calgary Parents

ryan filax-wylie
Sep 4
3 min read

Updated: Dec 1

Parents in Calgary often share a similar experience. A child hits, lies, or has a meltdown, and suddenly guilt floods in. Did I cause this? Am I messing this up? Guilt can sneak into our responses, nudging us to lecture or shame. Unfortunately, this often leads to more distress, not better behaviour.

Understanding Guilt and Shame

Two things can be true:

Your child is good inside even when their behaviour is off-track.
You are a good parent even when your response isn't perfect.

Guilt vs. Shame: A Quick Distinction

Guilt: “I did something wrong.” This feeling can be useful for repair.
Shame: “I am something wrong.” This shuts down learning.

Kids often hear parental guilt as shame. It’s important to keep the person good while recognizing that behaviour can be changed.

What “Misbehaviour” Really Means

Most tough moments stem from a skill gap combined with a stressed nervous system. Here’s how to translate behaviour:

Hitting → “I’m over my limit.”
Lying → “I’m scared of your reaction.”
Not listening → “I want autonomy or I’m unsure what to do.”

When you recognize the missing skill, you know what to coach.

Five Steps You Can Use Today

Connect with the Person: “You’re a good kid having a hard moment. I’m here.”
Name the Feeling: “You’re furious your sister grabbed the Lego.”
Hold the Limit: “I won’t let you hit. Bodies must be safe.”
Teach the Skill: “Say, ‘Stop. Give it back.’ Or ask me for help.”
Practice a Do-Over: “Let’s redo it—tap my arm and say, ‘Help, please.’ Nice work.”

Simple Repair Lines (When Calm)

Parent to Child: “I didn’t like the hitting, and I love you. Next time we’ll use words.”
Child to Sibling: “I’m sorry I hit. Next time I’ll say stop.”
Parent Self-Repair: “I got loud. Next time I’ll pause first.”

Common Guilt Traps and Healthier Swaps

“Limits are mean.” → Limits are love with edges. They create safety.
“They learn when they feel bad.” → Kids learn from practice, not shame.
“Their meltdown means I failed.” → Their nervous system is practicing regulation. You are coaching.

Micro-Habits That Build Skills

Name It to Tame It: Label feelings during low-stakes times.
Family “Reset”: Anyone can call a 60-second pause—water + three breaths + redo.
Two-Choice Limits: “You can be mad and you can’t throw. Squeeze a pillow or stomp—your pick.”
Plan the Next Rep: After conflict, agree on one tiny action for “next time” and rehearse it once.

When Your Own Guilt Spikes

When guilt arises, redirect it toward your values instead of self-attack.

Name the Value: “Calm first.”
Choose a Cue: “If voices rise, I step back before talking.”
Shrink the Goal: Aim for 10% more calm this week.

The Long View of Parenting

Your child doesn’t need you to be perfect. They need steady—someone who separates worth from behaviour, sets clear limits, and keeps practicing the next skill. Every messy moment is another opportunity for regulation, repair, and responsibility.

Seeking Support from Pathfinder Therapy

If this resonates with you and you want coaching for real-world moments—sibling fights, morning rush, homework battles—I can help. Together, we can build calm, set limits, and create practical scripts that stick. Book a consultation to get a plan tailored to your family.

Conclusion

Parenting is a journey filled with ups and downs. Embrace the process. Remember, you are not alone in this. We all face challenges, and seeking help is a sign of strength. Let’s work together to navigate these moments with grace and understanding.